Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would consider marriage if it came with a better benefits package.

   I see your "Restraining order" and raise you a "high powered telescope"

   When the relationship hits the wall the douchebag deploys.

   Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

   My favorite thing about naps is that I don't have to talk to people during them

   At what point during my neighbors sob story about losing her job do I mention I only have 2% battery life?

   There should be an observation deck at Walmart.

   Underwear need pockets. If you want to walk around without pants, where are you supposed to put your phone?

   I really miss your face... between my thighs.

   I want to spread your thoughts wide open.

   Am I the only one that sees the irony in Obamacare rolling out and the government shut down happening on the same day??

   Lets not get carried away it's not like McDonalds shutdown

   Ah, Breast Cancer Awareness Month. If you know you have boobs, go get checked. You too ladies.

   Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.

   Wow, congress isn’t taking the end of “Breaking Bad” very well at all.

   Men get more attractive with age. Women...well they just let you put it in more places.

   Obama compared Obamacare to the iPhone. Except you don't get fined for not buying an iPhone.

   If you drive under the speed limit then yes you are boring

   ... May be we should "Ctlr+Alt+Del" the Government

   The government shut down because of spending money he dont have- thats called bankruptcy and foreclosure.