Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks arms for being by my side. Thanks legs for all the support. Thanks fingers - I can always count on you. Now nose - why so stuffy?

   Starbucks is now offering something called the duffin. If you havent heard, it's a combination of a donut and a muffin. Who says America has lost its exceptionalism?

   Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.

   ATTENTION: Cheerleading practice will be located in the vacant lot behind Kohls until further notice. Please bring pom poms and make sure you're not followed

   Seat belts, aiding the view of cleavage since invention.

   FACT: Growing a beard while sleeping is the only way a man can multitask

   hey China, can you loan me a measly million bucks? I promise to only shop at Walmart and I will not shutdown!

   Only you can prevent forrest fires! Seriously though because Smokey the Bear has been furloughed.

   If watching He-man cartoons has taught me anything it's that you can solve any problem with a sword.

   The only thing worse than the roll out of Obamacare would be walking around barefoot in a Major League Baseball dugout....

   I'm so in debt, I could start a government!

   Screw Congress! Me and some drinking buddies have decided we're gonna re-open the government our way!

   Circulation of newspapers has fallen to all-time lows. They say newspapers are becoming obsolete. I’ll tell you how bad it’s gotten. Today I saw a homeless guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face. Read Latest Breaking News from Newsmax.

   Shouldn't CBS withhold episodes of NCIS and NCIS-LA for the duration of the federal shutdown?

   Breaking New's !!! This Just In: Day 9 of the government shutdown and President Obama is having a hard time trying to figure out which golf course to play at next.

   I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.

   How fat am I? I came to the yard literally for a milkshake.

   12h To the women who complain that men only want sex from you... Have you ever considered offering them...something else?

   My wife has a low tolerance for alcohol when I am drinking it.

   Gender equality? Men don’t have that thing in women’s brains that makes them voluntarily do all household chores when they’re angry.