Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he's homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

   Life would be better if squirrels liked sitting on our shoulders. You can’t be sad with a cool squirrel friend on your shoulder.

   Canadian Thanksgiving tip #43: The meal isn't over until you hate yourself.

   But Officer, I wasn't tailgaing. I was drafting.

   t's not that I mind the neighbors cadaver dog....it's just that when it's digging in my backyard, it can get a little awkward.

   Quit complaining abt Obama n stuff, WALKING DEAD4 premiers today n I can't see cos I lstay in Nigeria

   Kiss me," she said, "kiss me like you've never kissed me before". So I stuck my tongue in her nostril.

   This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards.

   I think Walmart needs a new parking sign "Just Lazy"

   I need a toothpick to remove this prius that is stuck on the grill of my hummer

   Neighbors just complained about the sex noise coming from our house last night. Well, the jokes on them cause I wasn't even home last night.

   Pro Tip: If your EBT Card is declined because of the government shutdown GET A PHUGGING JOB!

   What do frozen beer, burnt pizza and a pregnant girl have in common? Some idiot didn't take it out in time.

   If you watch the movie Flashdance backwards, it's about a girl who made it into a ballet company but decided to be a Welder by day and Dancer/stripper by night.

   a wise man knows the rules but a wiser man knows the exceptions.

   And on the sixth day satan created algebra.

   If John has 100 pieces of bacon, and he eats 20, what does John have? Happiness. John has happiness.

   If you won't wear a chef's hat while pleasuring me orally, I don't see this relationship going anywhere

   But your honor, she used mild cheddar cheese to make nachos

   The best part about Crocs is you can wear them in the bathtub while you write the note then drop in the toaster.