Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I was a rat,,, I wouldn't give anyone my ass.

   Criminal Tip: Buy a gun from a guy off the streets. As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back........Free gun.

   Even though Halloween is meant to be about dressing up as scary evil monsters, people still complain if you go as Hitler

   Look, Twinkies, I'm with Little Debbie Cloud Cakes now,,, and I won't let you hurt me again.

   I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em.

   Can't believe 60 Minutes did a whole report on Benghazi w/out interviewing the jerk who's anti-Islam movie got some many people killed...

   I have a bad temper which means lots of make up sex and "I'm sorry" blow jobs. Who wants to date me?

   I'm sorry for ruining your life & turned you off to men forever, but please accept this cat as a parting gift. - Me after every first date

   I had 'that talk' with my son last night. The one about drugs. You know, the one where I tell him I smoke pot

   its sports analyst. if you are gonna make fun of people don't give them material for a comeback

   So am I on Facebook or is everyone updating their Sports Annalist resume?

   Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I've done in my entire life.

   "Laws should be like clothes. They should be made to fit the people they serve.

   If I ever leave this country(Nigeria) and anybody asks, I'm denying under oath that I'm Nigerian.

   I'm not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I'm pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.

   Chris Brown may have beat Rihanna but he has been arrested again for another beating outside a D.C. hotel and he's not even an elected official.

   Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.

   so batman, superman, and spiderman just unfriend me because the giraffe riddle offended them.

   WrestleMania III in the Detroit suburb of Pontiac, Michigan was the highest-attended indoor sports event in the world, with 93,173 fans in attendance.

   She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.