Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A new survey found that 25 percent of Americans will spend less on Halloween this year because of the government shutdown's effect on the economy. Which explains that new party game — “Bobbing for Ramen Noodles.”

   Saudi Arabia is now threatening to sever diplomatic ties with the United States over Syria. I hope that doesn't cause them to do something drastic, you know, like overcharge us for oil.

   Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.

   "Tampa Bay, you're on the clock" - 2014 NFL Draft very first words.

   Boss: You're on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.

   this year for halloween I'm passing out chocolate laxatives

   WTF Levi's? 36" fall off. 35" sqeeze me in half. It's one damn inch!!

   I've really never been able to walk the walk or talk the talk, but if you need someone to drink the drink, I might be just the one you're looking for..

   It's none of my business whether you wear a weave or not. I only care when we have sex & it tries to strangle me when I'm asleep

   Marriage? If I wanted to share a room with someone I'm not having sex with I'd have gone back to high-school!

   Wedding anniversaries are meant to celebrate the number of years a couple has been married, not how long they've been happy

   I don't care how expensive your hair is, just don't get mad when I pull it off when were having sex

   Life stopped handing us lemons and started giving us reasons to drink instead

   Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn't work...

   I'm dumb. I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.

   No matter how loud the game is on downstairs, a man always hears the sound of a bra hitting the floor upstairs.

   I suggested to a girl who listed her relationship as "It's Complicated", to allow me come over and add to the complication.

   Plain girls want to save dogs. Hot girls want to save wolves.

   I give ulcers,... I don't get them

   Just drank a 'coffee to go' while sitting. Screw the system!