Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend? 
Fun thing to do #53: confuse room service bringing breakfast to you by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"
Sometimes I hate going to the Mall. I've always felt like they are watching or following me. I tried to prove it , but my wife just rolls her eyes. The shocking truth is every map I've ever seen in that place says "You are Here". How do they know that?
May the millions of lights that shine today light up your life with endless prosperity, good fortune and joy. Sending you and your family warmest wishes for a wonderful and happy Diwali, from India
Was just reading about the new 100 dollar bill design and wondered why I hadn't seen one yet. Then I realized it's because it's a 100 dollar bill.
Send me one more game request and I'm showing up at your house hammered, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister...
Gary Kubiak even fainted after that overturn...
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
Why is it that as soon as I do my manicure they get thirsty hungry or need their azz wiped? Geez! smdh
Nick Foles gets a concussion, wakes up thinking he's Peyton Manning.
My girlfriends husband doesn't like me.
It seems so much later then it actually is.....
I made this status nice and short so you can just move onto the next one.
Two yrs ago I weighed 296lbs. Today I weigh 293lbs. Hard work makes dreams come true, folks.
I've created a shoe made out of Lego, so when you step on Lego it doesn't hurt. You just get taller.
My life is like a never-ending episode of The Walking Dead where nothing happens but somehow everything is f*cked.
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
I've just brushed my teeth and found some bacon. My luck is changing for the better
50 Cent, or as he's called in the U.K, approximately 29p ...
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning. 