Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Decaf coffee is like a hooker that only wants to cuddle.

   Why do married people hate seeing happy single people? Please stop trying to fix me up with your friends.

   If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?

   Stop, drop and roll won't work in hell.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm sorry I "accidentally" put it in your butt.

   Our friends don’t understand our obsession with trying to write clever, original status updates to post online... They wonder why we don’t just copy and paste our status updates like everyone else does.

   Now that I’m over the hill, I’m happy to report I can still do all the things could do when I was in my 20’s. … well, at least the things I can remember.

   When I was younger I went through a lot of bad relationships. I’m ashamed to admit more than once I’ve let a fool kiss me, and more than once I’ve let a kiss fool me.

   Australia's highest court just denied worker's compensation to a bureaucrat who was injured while having sex during a business trip. When asked about the decision, the female employee said “Once again I got screwed".

   Chris Brown has recently entered Rehab for anger management issues. I for one have faith in Chris. He has never faced anything that he couldn’t beat.

   Avon stocks have lost 11% of their value this year. Apparently they are under investigation for allegedly bribing foreign officials. Well it looks like no more free lipstick and panties for Kim Jong-Un.

   The real reason I'm not a superhero.... Pockets,I need my pockets.

   FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.

   Let's have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.

   How do you recognize mature women?! They wear more reasonable shoes. :)

   So Wake me up when I am Sober, When I'm not so drunk and so hungover. This Entire time I didn't know I was getting so tore up. This entire time I didn't know I was getting this f**ked up... I didn't know, I didn't know!..." ♫

   I have met many people who had no clothes.....and I have met a lot of clothes, inside of which there were no people.....

   Giraffe neck with a Grumpy Cat head - funniest one I've seen so far!

   looked for all of my friends on Facebook and they've all turned into GIRAFFES!

   today was a female canine kind of a day!