Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sitting at my desk wondering how long I can get away with wearing my Halloween costume. I dressed up as the Obama-Care Website. #NotWorking

   A Rod's attorney just accused MLB of causing an unsafe playing environment. He might be right since the playoffs present A Rod with a choking hazard.

   When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me

   someone needs to tell Wyclef he can come back now.

   Not 1 trick or treater last night!!!Thanks to the roll of crime scene tape I got at a yardsale last summer......

   I had a good Halloween, I went on the cheap and gave out ketchup, mustard and soy sauce condiments that I've been saving from take out for the past year. . .

   Forget love and lust, I just want to find someone I can be comfortable with and not have to hold my farts in when I am with them. . .

   DO you know why I make noise?! Because I want to let you know how much I'm an a$shole.

   People are more violently opposed to fur than leather probably because it's safer to harass rich women than Hell's Angels

   If someone toilet papered my house tonight tht would be great because we're out of toilet paper

   The Scariest thing I saw on Halloween is the Dolphins playing the Bengals!

   I have a cell phone a Ipad a laptop, stop sending me reminders to turn my clocks back...it's called automatic updates!

   I taught my neighbors kid how to trick or treat online, hopefully she puts her mothers credit card back!

   Match.com. #1 in dates, marriages, divorces and restraining orders...

   I wonder what Rob Ford is handing out for treats tonight....

   My boss asked me why I wasn't working today. I dont him I was going as Obama Care for Halloween

   you're so old; you were an eye witness to the birth of agriculture.

   Apparently the perfect Obamacare plan for a guy like me includes birth control pills, maternity leave, abortions. And transgender operations. In case I want to take advantage of these services...

   Someone said to me "I can never think of anything important or interesting to say on Facebook." I told them not to worry"

   When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.