Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people think Obama's doing a good job, some think he's doing a bad job. I think about sex usually.

   If I ignored you any harder, we'd be married.

   Relationship status: ironing shirt with George Foreman grill.

   The irony that some of the ugliest people in the world come in the prettiest packaging

   Day #7: I am thankful that we can still engineer the electricals.

   wake up in the morning.... my mind: nope. my body: nope. my d!<K: let's rock!

   am I the only one worried about the the fact that the amount of people that are taking craps in water. THIS CAN'T BE HEALTHY PEOPLE!!!!!!!

   The "necessity" that is Planned Parenthood, in all actuality, stemmed from Unplanned Parenting In The Hood.

   I think we're old enough for a Karate Chop button on Facebook.

   I'm inventing a sandwhich made from: 5 hour energy drink, Cialis, some cheese, salami, bacon, & lettuce... I'm calling it the "5 Hour Footlong."

   Setting my coffee maker to 'stun'

   Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.

   Divorce because consideration has an expiration date.

   The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I knew this was going to be good stuff.

   Shia LaBeouf sounds like something a french person would say after a rotten fart.

   Put eyelashes on your car headlights so everyone knows you're out of your mind.

   I think its safe to say we can blame every unsolved murder on adults that collect action figures.

   if your panties aren't wet, then we never spoke!

   Khloe, Kourtney, Kim Kardashian!..... The only KKK that will let black guys in

   Dear Amish person reading this: Busted!