Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The inventor of the snooze button has died. His funeral will take place tomorrow at 6:00, 6:09, 6:18, 6:27, and 6:36.

   In the Toronto mayor's defense it was maple syrup flavored crack...

   so,I went to vote tonight...when I went to up to the machine, They said,"if you like your votes,you can keep your votes".....but,when I went to put my ballot in,it suddenly spit out a message that said "your votes are substandard,and are being cancelled.B

   Life is like toilet paper, your either on a roll or taking $hit from an a$$hole.

   Like Icarus flying too close to the sun, I begin to regret eating that third breakfast plate at Shoney's.

   The ATM is a REAL MAN! He never borthers to ask you crap questions like "Why did you take out this much?" "Buying useless sh t again?" or "$500 at 3AM Saturday? Don't tell me it's for piano lessons again!"

   Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.

   Toronto: what did you expect when you elected Chris Farley for mayor?

   Dear Turkeys,,, Your long range weather forecast is 350 degrees on Thursday the 28th.

   No Nike. I'm tired. You do it. I'll get the next one!

   Rejection from a girl at the club only hurts if your desire to get laid is weaker than your commitment to get drunk.

   My boyfriend better be glad he isn't real or there would have been a huge fight about the panties I found in my bed that I forgot were mine.

   Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Post like your life is marginally more interesting than it is in actuality.

   To make sure everyone cries at my funeral, I'm requesting they play nothing but Creed and Nickleback through factory car speakers.

   The phrase “I don’t get women” has two different meanings depending on your marital status.

   The human heart has four chambers : Rumpus room, Tradesmans Entrance, Wine Cellar and Guest Bedroom

   When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

   Don't you just sometimes start a conversation with someone and halfway through you regret the day you've met them?

   "Let me make your morning" - coffee

   Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.