Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Listen to what girls say when they're angry... That's when the truth comes out.

   Other people: Wow what a perfect morning for a run! Me: Wow what a perfect morning to go the hell back to sleep.

   What's the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you've fooled me, what's behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?

   Any man who says his wedding day is the happiest day of his life has obviously never scored an over-head kick on FIFA.

   Too young for marriage, but too old for games.

   There aren't female werewolves because it would be unfair if they turned into crazed man-eating creatures of the night twice a month.

   How have Tampax and Hershey's not released a combo pack yet?

   The jerk store called. Instead of texting. Typical

   Mike Tyson claims he was high during fights. Strange he seemed so normal and in control of himself.

   Do you like Parrots? Do you like Parrots? Do you like Parrots? Do you like Parrots?

   It's hard to be intimidating when your boots keep making fart sounds when you walk...

   My favorite part of a Niki Minaj song is where I smash my IPod on the ground and stomp on it!

   its funny how I know the name of a mayor from canada but not the prime minister.

   My number is #0. Which is good 'cause I'm from [insert home town] and you probably know it already

   My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.

   I wish I had a friend like me

   If a Prius hits a Vegan,,, do you even have to fill out a police report?

   Sure the early bird gets the worm, but what does that say about the worm? He got up early too... Well, the point is,,, Ummm.

   I don't know about Samuel Jackson doing Capitol One commercials. Something about an angry black man asking what's in my wallet makes me very nervous.

   It's recycling day in my neighborhood tomorrow or as I like to call it - haul the wine bottles to the curb night!