Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After hearing Lady Gaga stripped naked on stage in an attempt to steal Miley Cyrus' limelight, I can't help but think this will only end when one of them fires ping pong balls out of their fanny.

   Just once, I'd like to look at the ingredients of a bottled water and see the words "Sea Monkeys".

   maybe if all these slackers went out and got a job, then they wouldn't have to worry about Obamacare

   The Obamacare website doesn't work, just like most of the people who voted for Obama.

   Religious people on being born g@y: "There's no scientific proof!" Religious people on religion: "We don't need scientific proof!"

   I am not shy, I am just not interested,

   I see your OJ Simpson and raise you George Zimmerman.

   I put banana peels all around the bedroom to test this "slip and fall on a d*ck" theory.

   If there's one thing I've learnt in life it's to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.

   Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya.

   When you get married, don't have more children than your car windows.

   G.I.R.L on the Internet is 'Guy In Real Life.'

   People who confuse then & than Remember this... I'd rather kill you, then eat a cheeseburger

   My condoms are expiring soon... Ladies

   You can't trust anybody with the remote control these days

   If you've lost your appetite today, I think I have it.

   Does anyone know the rule for when the cripple guy at your company dies who gets his parking spot?

   You don't know anybody till you live with them for a few weeks at least.

   Accidentally started my shower using a Mr. Clean magic eraser instead of a sponge...Stopped using it, but now my balls are gone.

   I'm so drunk I almost answered my phone.