Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spilling a full drink you just paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.

   NEWS FLASH: The mother who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox looses custody... *The child didn't look surprised.

   *Buys a 3D printer... *With the 3D printer, prints a 3D printer... *Returns the origional 3D printer

   Wiki leaks: kraby patty secret formula

   That one password you use for everything and if anyone ever figured it out they could single-handedly ruin your entire life.

   At first glance, the word "Diputseromneve" looks confusing and retåřded. However, if you read it backwards it's even more stupid.

   Why are we not using science to combine animals? Don’t you want a Mouselion friend chillin in your shirt pocket doing tiny adorable roars?

   All those things on Morgan Freeman's face are the missing pieces of Seal's face.

   Every 7 seconds a fat girl confuses post-it notes for Kraft singles.

   This night m'lady and I will intertwine our love in the haunting glow of the moon, and maybe she'll let me stick it in her pooper.

   I sneezed pretty bad, mid-dump, and ended up 6 minutes in the future.

   Eventually everything will be offensive and we'll go back to living in caves.

   The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered shît without pickles in it.

   I'm sorry if I was rude to you earlier. I honestly thought you were the ugly one in your profile picture.

   You're a party girl until your looks deteriorate. Then you're just a drug addict.

   I got into a huge blow up with my wife last night because she took a shortcut and beat me in Mario Kart. She has never done this before. Another man taught her that. I KNOW IT!

   Alright, it's gonna be a mild fall! Aaaaaaand it's snowing.

   Admit it. You're secretly hoping Samuel L. Jackson flips out and drops the "F-Bomb" on those Capitol One commercials.

   If you are down and depressed and don't know what to do, just remember, Nationwide is on your side.

   In honor of 11/12/13..... I will buy beer for any 11, 12 and 13 year olds that ask me.