Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say you will eat approximately 23 spiders in your life,,, but really you can eat as many as you want.. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

   Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction,,, I hope there's no hard feelings

   An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her over....yep she needs a walker!

   An old lady at my dad's grocery store was mad because the turkeys were small. She asked, "Do you think they'll get bigger right before Thanksgiving? " I said, "No mam." She goes, "Why?" I go, because they're dead."

   Are you all getting ready for Thanksgiving? PETA says today's turkeys are so fat, they can't stand up, they're prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. No, I'm sorry, that's what the turkeys are saying about us. I had it backward.

   Got my wife some lovely perfume for Xmas, its called Tester.. Hope she likes it.

   How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

   If you hear a guy order a Pumpkin Spiced Latte go ahead and steal his wallet. Trust me, he's not gonna do anything about it.

   Have you ever noticed people who work in designer stores have attitudes like they can afford to not work in a store?

   Once bitten, twice shy. Twice bitten, b*tch I will muzzle you.

   You know the economy is bad when black folks can't afford to talk during a movie.

   Hey girl. Your cleavage is not a YouTube video. More views doesn’t make it any better than the rest.

   Siri, where are my pants?

   Kanye West spoke at Harvard, just in case you were wondering about the direction of the country.

   Just when I think I'm done being a fool, I see something else super shiny and stupid to do.

   In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.

   Flat screens are nice and all,but they'll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.

   Okay, coffee's kicked in. What were you saying? Oh, sorry. Let me get that duct tape off your mouth.

   Self control for a teenage girl is seeing a mirror and not practicing your duck face.

   I see you're unhappily married. Yes, please, take your anger out on happy single people.