Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure and that I'd want it if there was...

   Congrats on your secret admirer! It must be nice having someone who's ashamed to admit they like you!

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook for me just to freak people out. Things like, "Hey, who knew they had a Chipotle up here?"

   Republicans have it so rough! The worst part about Republicans looking for a job is if that if they're successful, they end up with a job.

   Playstation should market a George Zimmerman game

   After hearing Lady Gaga stripped naked on stage in an attempt to steal Miley Cyrus' limelight, I can't help but think this will only end when one of them fires ping pong balls out of their fanny.

   Just once, I'd like to look at the ingredients of a bottled water and see the words "Sea Monkeys".

   maybe if all these slackers went out and got a job, then they wouldn't have to worry about Obamacare

   The Obamacare website doesn't work, just like most of the people who voted for Obama.

   Religious people on being born g@y: "There's no scientific proof!" Religious people on religion: "We don't need scientific proof!"

   I am not shy, I am just not interested,

   I see your OJ Simpson and raise you George Zimmerman.

   I put banana peels all around the bedroom to test this "slip and fall on a d*ck" theory.

   If there's one thing I've learnt in life it's to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.

   Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya.

   When you get married, don't have more children than your car windows.

   G.I.R.L on the Internet is 'Guy In Real Life.'

   People who confuse then & than Remember this... I'd rather kill you, then eat a cheeseburger

   My condoms are expiring soon... Ladies

   You can't trust anybody with the remote control these days