Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Headline in the paper: "Woman beats off rapist!" Well, that was probably a fair trade anyway.

   A Democrat was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She said 'go ahead ask me, I know'em all.' Her friend said "ok what's the capital of Wisconsin?' She said 'Oh that's an easy one....it's "W"

   We all at one time or another, were the Gods of Sea Monkeys...

   Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while you are waiting.

   Imagine the sheer horror in kid's face when you tell the "When I was born there was no internet".

   Where are you going on Thanksgiving? Also, where do you keep your valuables?

   I'm just a girl. A girl who is standing before a man who is standing before another woman in front of another man at Taco Bell.

   My old VHS s ex tape is probably at some garage sale somewhere labeled "Crocodile Dundee II"

   It would be a good day if one could afford to even shoot their Ak ;)

   More often than not sadly... The three phases of love: 1.XOXO 2. XXX 3.EX

   If I wasn't married, a twelve pack of toilet paper would last me three years.

   How come there's never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you've put the body in?

   I don't get why women panic over taking pregnancy tests. I would've jumped at the chance of peeing on all my tests when I was in school

   Money and traditional infidelity are still the top 2 reasons for divorce but Facebook can't be far behind.

   Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I'm guessing we still have a chance.

   Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.

   Guys: I like you Girls: What does that mean? Who else have you said that to? Put a baby in me. Women: Thanks

   What happens in her mouth, Stays in her mouth.

   Wishing all my friends a joyous, happy, and prosperous New Year. (If retail stores can jump the gun....)

   "If you like your insurance, you can keep it" is the new "I did not have sεx with that woman, Monica Lewinski" Only difference is now millions and millions of Americans are being taken advantage of by a sneaky guy in the Oval Office ...