Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Half a Dozen", because saying "six" was just too difficult.

   People say I'm too condescending (that means I talk down to people).

   I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?

   The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...

   A lot of kids were upset when they found out Santa was not real, I was more creeped out the fact my parents made me take a picture sitting on a strangers lap and kept it for years.

   I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure and that I'd want it if there was...

   Congrats on your secret admirer! It must be nice having someone who's ashamed to admit they like you!

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook for me just to freak people out. Things like, "Hey, who knew they had a Chipotle up here?"

   Republicans have it so rough! The worst part about Republicans looking for a job is if that if they're successful, they end up with a job.

   Playstation should market a George Zimmerman game

   After hearing Lady Gaga stripped naked on stage in an attempt to steal Miley Cyrus' limelight, I can't help but think this will only end when one of them fires ping pong balls out of their fanny.

   Just once, I'd like to look at the ingredients of a bottled water and see the words "Sea Monkeys".

   maybe if all these slackers went out and got a job, then they wouldn't have to worry about Obamacare

   The Obamacare website doesn't work, just like most of the people who voted for Obama.

   Religious people on being born g@y: "There's no scientific proof!" Religious people on religion: "We don't need scientific proof!"

   I am not shy, I am just not interested,

   I see your OJ Simpson and raise you George Zimmerman.

   I put banana peels all around the bedroom to test this "slip and fall on a d*ck" theory.

   If there's one thing I've learnt in life it's to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.

   Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya.