Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just found a hole in my sock and now I'm worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.

   I accidentally shot my wife on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.

   My signature sex move is "right click," "save as."

   Relationship status: managing to hold this girl's prosthetic hand on the train without her noticing yet.

   You haven't lived until you've had an 80 year old white woman push past you at the liquor store and call you a "f aggot"

   She said she wanted to talk so I let Jesus take the wheel and jump into traffic.

   If you can't be a nice person then at least be really good looking.

   Can your tongue come out to play with my tongue?

   I'm at my most interracial when I'm blasting Maroon 5 from my headphones and sagging my pants.

   I'm black, but not "free Pookie even though I know he robbed that store" black.

   People got 20/20 vision to YOUR problems but be Ray Charles to they own bullsh*t.

   It's not my fault my kids turned out like they did. I was never around!

   - Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot.

   The last time I visited a gym , a white guy was the President..

   I just found out my mother-in-law is going to be staying with us for the Thanksgiving Weekend. Well, it looks like I have to clean out the hall closet again.....she is going to need somewhere to hang upside down and sleep

   I'm getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.

   You know all those things you've wanted to do....you should do them!

   You know it's November when 250 different programs about JFK assassination air on television..

   I have two choices:God gave us a brain. Do I perform the Hiemlich Manuever or should you just stand there and look stupid?.........Science: -10, Religion: 1

   On this night 30 years ago, I found out that wrecking on roller skates while wearing parachute pants was no bueno.