Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is method in my madness and madness in my method.

   What idiot called it "insomnia" and not "resisting a rest"?

   Mental note at work - never be the first one to laugh at your fat 0ass boss when she is asked, "what kind of food she likes", and when she says 'seafood'!.... Everyone eventual gets the jokke!

   For Thxgiving, sent out a noticed to all my wierd family to BYOF menu...that's Bring Your Own Food, cuz I cant keep up with all the Vegans, gulton-free, diabetics, sugarfree, only-carbs diet, no-carbs diet, and the no water diet people in my family.

   After the first of the year, my healthcare plan will be a Band-Aid and a prayer.

   Its that time of the year where the work office decides to do secret santa again and this time its under $25....I'm getting my co-worker a pack tooth brush with about $30 worth of tooth paste!

   Miley Cyrus eats Twerky for Thanksgiving..... (I am so sorry)

   If I ever opened up a nail salon, I would definitely name it "Handjobs".

   Derrick Rose?? More like Derrick Pansy...

   Alarm Clocks.....Making people "Rise and Whine" since its invention

   And so my friends, this week rings in the 2013 holiday season. Everyone can now begin the time tested, seasonal tradition of turning into complete lunatics.

   I remember the first time a friend said he was going to introduce me to a "dog person." I was bummed at the way it turned out.

   Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...

   I forgot my sweater today and now everyone can see how cold I am.

   Thanksgiving is almost here.Dont forget to stock up your medicine cabinet with marbles, for all your sneaky relatives.

   Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn't mean the camera they found is mine

   I see your confidence and wit and raise you the skirt I have on.

   I have a non-profit business. It's not a charity, I'm just really bad with finances.

   You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps

   She's a pig in the streets, but bacon in the sheets.