Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To hell with the over-the-top flowers. Just tell her you are sorry and mean it.

   Manager claims OJ Simpson could be Khloe Kardashian's father. And I thought this family couldn't get any more dysfunctional.

   I would 100% support legislation to make it mandatory for all public restrooms be equipped with flushable baby wipes. :-)

   Music should come in 3 genres: music you fight to, music you f#@k to and music you speed to.

   Broke folks should wear leggings, What the hell you need pockets for?

   I haven't spent a dime feeding my pet python since I found the "Free Kitten" section on "Craigslist".

   When I first got married I would hold my wife's hands and gaze into her eyes when I talked to her. After all these years I still hold her hands and gaze into her eyes but it's mostly for self defense purposes

   I just finished coloring Snooki's new book.

   Women- God's version of a Rubik's cube.

   You're nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.

   So the CIA had a secret compound at Gitmo named "Strawberry Fields"? "Poppy Fields" would be a more appropriate name...

   I called the Atheist Dial-A-Prayer line. No one answered.

   heading to Kinko's. Printing Best Buy 'coupons' good towards one free ipad for everyone in line early.

   I blame all this snow on people who think its fun to decorate for Christmas before thanksgiving. ... mother nature just went along with them. ...so they cant b*tch..

   If a girl doesn't answer you immediately, it's only because she's telling all her friends about what you just said.

   Pro tip: women do not want to hear an apology while you're still inside their sister. Take it out first.

   I hate time zones and math

   People who eat fries with a knife and a fork Do you put gloves on before sex too

   Does this nervous breakdown make me look fat?

   On a scale of 1 to Mother-in-law How annoying are you?