Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The "thank you wave" you receive after letting someone merge their car in front of yours is the only thing holding this fragile society together

   When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the "math" part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

   People on Facebook do realize that dead people can't read their RIP shout outs, right?

   What you see is what you get with me. Unless you see my snacks.

   Every pair of panties can be a thong if your ass is hungry enough.

   My Saturday was going pretty well until I realised it was Monday.

   People that like to put their two cents in, make sure you have enough to spare first!

   it is such a big shame how some Americans derive joy out of others pain, RIP Paul walker and may your family have the strength to move on

   Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.

   The "mayday" button on the new Kindle Fire should be renamed the "let me show you my weiner" button,,, 'cause that's all it's gonna be used for.

   At least once a year, we should all be allowed to go to Microsoft headquarters and reboot all of their PCs without giving them notice.

   I just hid my teenage son's Christmas gifts behind the vacuum, in the dishwasher and next to the trash can that needs to be taken out.....guaranteed he will never find them!

   I tried to bring sexy back,,, but they said it wasn't in it's "original" condition

   I would like to thank all the people who let me know it was snowing today, like I'm some clueless idiot.

   apparently cyber monday takes on a COMPLETELY different meaning on some websites

   Sometimes you look at a person, and it begs the question: was he born an idiot or had any additional courses completed?

   Women are always complaing that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around.....That's because women take up all the closets

   Give me a chance girl and I'll grow on you like the unexpected rap verse in an otherwise catchy pop song

   My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.

   *walks in dressed as Jesus* Wife: OH, MY GOD *takes off beard* “No, it’s just me”