Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   while fixing the big Thanksgiving dinner remember to cook with wine like all the fancy tv chefs say....you'll be too drunk to realize what the family is saying or doing

   Me: "Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?"... Wife: "Well, what does it say on it?.Me: "Boston Bruins.".. Wife: "You're an idiot "..

   English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at Walmart.

   Wow. Hard to believe in only a month my wife and daughters will be returning the gifts I bought them.

   Dear CBS please put How I Met Your Mother to the Sitcom Cemetery

   Oh great now the bill collector is blowing up my phone cuz he thought we got accidentally disconnected....

   People on Death row probably don't think it's funny when the President pardons the turkeys for Thanksgiving.

   You think this day and age it would be polite to just walk up and ask a woman, excuse me want to share a condom. . .

   100% of all divorces began with getting married...

   I bought some sparkly wrapping paper thinking it was like a simulated sparkly kind. It is actually made out of sparkles. Well, now my floor, face, hands, clothes and kid look like Diamond Cherry Serenity & Candi came over to my house after the strip club.

   I'd rather shower with my parents than go shopping on Black Friday...

   Jingle Bells, Dalek smells, the Doctor saved the day. Oh what joy it was to see him saving Gallifrey.

   All this negativity in the world and I still remain Positive! -Magic Johnson

   If you love your farts you have to let them go.

   I used to have a life outside of work. Now I have a wife outside of work.

   I'm currently toying with the idea of having an idea.

   Since when does CBS care about facts? Aren't these the same people who on e tried to prove a story with "computer printed" documents, from the "1960ies."

   Getting a clementine full of seeds is like getting a piece of fish full of bones.

   Someday health nuts are going to look awful stupid laying in a hospital dying from nothing.

   Funniest thing I heard while working in ER.. "What was he doing with his pen*s in a dogs mouth anyway?