Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Son, your mother and I need to talk to you. We went through your room earlier and found....NO drugs OR p orn?! What are you some kind of nerd

   She wanted to eat at a Chinese restaurant. I didn't want to eat at a Chinese restaurant. So we compromised and ate at a Chinese restaurant.

   You mean as much to me as error reports do to Microsoft.

   NOTE: God only takes those He wants.... Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus will be here FOREVER. For-ev-er.

   Oh honey, you're not pretty enough to be that stupid

   Time to start saying "Happy Holidays" to people so that there is no shortage of things to complain about on Facebook. It is the season of giving, and I'm a giver.

   Ice storm? Vanilla Ice predicted back in 1990 that the ice would be back. If only we had stopped, collaborated, and listened.

   I think I read somewhere that there will be no farting in heaven, but I bet it's still a really cool place ツ

   Body builder/ figure competitor women do not have the body of a man. They have the face of one.

   Dear God: If we can have Paul Walker back you can have Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus.

   Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.

   If I was dyslexic,, I totally would've won Powerball last night.

   My sister is adopted,, but I like to tell people she's "a rescue".

   People who drive slower up hills know how cars work,,, right?

   If you're happy and you know it clank your chains.

   RIP Nelson Mandela, your 'I have a dream' speech touched me - Paris Hilton

   What does it make me if I put Nutella on this brown sugar & cinnamon poptart? A genius... The correct answer is genius.

   that all you got? Come on Mother Nature, put your big girl panties on!!

   So they dropped the charges against that Florida State QB? I guess they didn't find enough Seminole fluid...

   I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.