Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is normally when Tony Romo is visited by 3 ghosts. The ghost of December Failures past, present and future.

   What I am asking Santa for this year is his list of naughty women over 30. . .

   A fox can only sound like that if you kick it in the balls. . .

   Kanye West is losing it and even black folks are turning against his self-aggrandizing ass.

   Before Kanye west says he is going to be a bigger hero than Nelson Mandela by the time he reaches 95, shouldn't he spend 27 years in jail first?

   I wish I could slim down my waistline during the Holidays like my wife slims down my wallet.

   What this generation of young men need to realize is that the word "Man" is in Manners....

   Before Obama compares himself to Nelson Mandela, shouldn't he first go to jail for 27 years?

   Sometimes, at the end, I press the "Add 30 Sec" button on the microwave just to show "Swanson's" who's REALLY in charge up in this MoFo!!

   Neil Armstrong was the first "Human Being" to step foot on the moon. Did you know that Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"

   Dear Santa: This year I would like a "Bailout and a Bonus."..."Yes, I know I have been really bad, spent my money frivolously ,even did some illegal things and therefore I think I deserve it."----The Government

   This has been one of those years That I should've stayed in bed

   I had to go on a second diet. The one wasn't giving me enough food.

   I deserve to be important to someone......... I've spent too much time showing the wrong people they are important to me.

   The difference between sex for money and sex for free is that in the long run sex for free costs a lot more.

   what idiot named it erectile dysfunction instead of ballzheimer's

   Santa know's where all the bad girls live but only empties his sack once a year. WTF?

   My tolerance for alcohol is way higher than my tolerance for people

   why is it I can remember every word to ice ice baby but not what I went into the kitchen to get.

   Sometimes people put up walls, not to close people out but because they’re in the construction business and that’s kinda like their job.