Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My landlord is a very evil man, I'm going to call Kim Jong and tell him all about "My Uncle"

   This is the season for giving, so give generously whenever possible. Yes, I mean Oral.

   Tonight I've decided to put the bourban in suburban,

   Whenever I hear the Christmas song about "nuts roasting on an open fire" I cringed. My wife plays that song over and over when she's mad at me..... even if it's in July

   Told the owner of my company that I'm not coming in Monday because he has this new "Affluenza" and I don't want to catch it.

   I'll be glad when it's warm enough to pee outside!

   I don't know why I'm supposed to care about that guy the Pope. I'm not even J ewish.

   There's magic in the air and it's called Wifi.

   I apologize for shouting REMIX!!! during the vows at your second wedding.

   The more selfies she has, the more times you'll have to tell her she's pretty everyday.

   If god told me tigers and lions didn't eat humans.........I probably would have one by now

   Tell your g/f "Flip a coin. Heads I get tail; tails I get head."

   Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!

   Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day... Give a man a poisonous fish and you'll feed him for the rest of his life

   Do you know how much snow is too much snow to go to the liquor store?

   *flips coin in Air* ... "heads I get out of bed, tails I don't"... *coin lands too far away*........... "well bed it is!"

   Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel,,, and misinterpret other peoples intent.

   Single people: If you're looking for someone 10+ years younger than you don't tell us about how you want someone that "respects" you...

   Sarah Palin's new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

   When one door closes another one opens. Or you could jut re-open the closed door. Because that's how doors work.