Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just found out that doves don’t even have tear ducts. Now … I … I just … my whole life has been a lie.

   Skeet shooting will be a popular way to do Christmas shopping once Amazon starts delivering packages with drones.

   The Mega Millions jackpot is now up to $586 million. The odds of winning are 1 in 259 million. Those are the same odds of Tony Romo throwing a pass to his own teammate in the fourth quarter.

   I drunken three way is all fun and games until you sober up only to fine you just did two ugly ones.

   slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.

   If a woman eva pulls a knife on you during an argument,pull out some bread,cheese &mayo.Her instincts will kick in &she'll make you a sandwich.

   Did that Australian man say Meteorite or mate are you alright

   What's the appropriate reply when your ex calls you and says a bunch of sh*t you didn't really listen to?

   From me you are getting A) gift card, B) nothing, C) disappointment or D) combination of A,B,C.

   It's the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you're hit by a Smart car.

   Sorry I accidentally told your wife about your "secret iphone" at the company Christmas party.

   What do guys names Scott say when they are surpised? "Great Dan"?

   I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company's Board of Directors.

   You make me want to be a better class of psycho.

   What's the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses? Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

   Shout out to all the women who use their brains to get what they want. Put your pu ssy away Miss, its not a currency.

   Women are always calm and relaxed, when they don't know you're watching through their window.

   I was putting the lights up on our 12 foot Christmas tree this afternoon using a 10 foot ladder. Suddenly,I lost my balance, fell off of it and landed flat on my back on the floor. So thankful I was on the bottom step when it all happened.

   I'm a problem solver. Tell me your problems and I'll ignore them. Problem solved for me.

   If Lance Armstrong can't keep his awards he should just take his ball and go home.