Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kanye West knew it was love at first sight the moment gazed deeply into Kim Kardashian's big brown mirrored sunglasses.

   I don't censor my opinions for anyone!

   Some people call me insensitive, but that's not true. I have an emotion: I feel sorry for the millions of pathetic losers who walk around like sheep waiting to be shorn.

   Son why did you draw a dinosaur with a machine gun? First off, they can't shoot guns. And secondly, This rules,,, I'm calling the museum

   I miss you like Michael J Fox misses soup

   my brain has too many tabs open.

   When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?

   Please do not mistake my civility for affection or sympathy- I am just as courteous when I shoot you between the eyes as when I tolerate smalltalk with you.

   This just in: North Korea has sent a fax to threaten Seoul 'mercilessly without notice.' Bet Seoul is really scared -- back in 1982.

   Should I get a puppy, or have a child? Well, I would rather ruin my carpet, than ruin my life.

   I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.

   There are countless horrible things happening all over the world and horrible people prospering, but we must never allow them to disturb our equanimity or deflect us from our sacred duty to sabotage and annoy them whenever possible.

   I just pitched A&E Network on a show. A Jevvish spinoff on Duck Dynasty. Schmuck Dynasty. Too soon?

   Sorry I peed on your baby, but in my defense he started it.

   I have this great midnight snack it's called, what do I think my roommate won't notice if I eat the edges off of

   Ass so fat it swims with a shirt on.

   My phone acts like it's been violated by my computer. Everytime I plug it in it asks me if i'm sure I can trust the computer. Drama queen.

   I am not above speaking in tongues and praising Lucifer to make the neighbors go away.

   Where is the Love? Discrimination and Homophobia, do you know how many of our children committed suicide because of this? What if it was your child? Born This Way

   Everyone is entitled to their own opinion even if it is right.