Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I fall easier naked! Why can't the flight attendant understand that?

   Santa is a Republican 1. He sits on his butt all year long. 2. He has other people do all the hard work. 3. He then takes credit for giving away all the free stuff they made.

   I don't always cut down a fresh Christmas tree..but when I do, I pick the best one in my neighbors yard.

   A&E has just announced the replacement show for Duck Dynasty the new show will be Dyke Dynasty.

   Last time I checked, Chick-fil-A is still sellin chicken and I'm sure Phil Robertson will keep spreadin gods good word and shooting ducks.

   Just remember this holiday season, if you say "May you kiss may ass" really fast... it will sound just like "Merry Christmas"!!!

   Santa is a Democrat: 1. He sits on his butt all year long. 2. He has other people do all the hard work. 3. He then takes credit for giving away all the free stuff they made.

   I imagine love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then Listening to it over and over again till you hate that song."

   Alcohol? Yes. Feelings? Hell no!

   Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll

   Relationships? No, I prefer alcohol and pizza.

   accidentally blew my duck call backwards and I called in Carson Kressley from queer eye for the straight guy. That was weird

   I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.

   If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

   Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison

   If you don't want to know what a 67 year old man from backwoods Louisiana thinks, maybe you shouldn't ask him.

   Sex is great, but.....HAVE YOU EVER HAD STUFFED CRUST PIZZA?!?!

   just heard that in order to show no hard feelings, Phil has ordered the staff at Duck Commander to increase production of p3n!s shaped duck calls.

   pregnant chicks get on the bus and think you suppose to give them your seat like b@tch you should of fcked a niqqa with a car

   I just heard that in order to show no hard feelings, Phil has ordered the staff at Duck Commander to increase production of pink duck calls by 25%!! What a guy...