Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if Johnny Depp's bracelets ever get jealous now that Steven Tyler's scarves are dating Bruno Mars' hats.

   Ladies; Don't forget to text him and ask how his d*ck is today

   You know some sh*t is about to go down when she turns her phone sideways to type.

   If I could have a moment of your time I'd just like to say, Happy Easter everyone.

   Make money like a man, spend it like a woman.

   My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.

   GLAD AND GLAAD... Both great to associate with garbage. "Don't get mad, like GLAAD" ignorant libs!

   This nice policeman has offered to perform a cavity search on me. I didn’t know law enforcement is concerned with our dental hygiene.

   I just invented a new game in the office called “I can guess what your new year resolution will be” but fat people don’t want to play :(

   One thing awesome about my childhood was being able to play with a 'toy' gun without the authorities getting involved.

   The Duck Dynasty guys better hope nobody tells PETA or the Gun Control lobby that they're gun living duck killers.

   I can't believe it's already been a whole year since the world ended.. :(

   There are two things that prove the American school system has failed: 1) A need for SpellCheck/AutoCorrect. 2) Cash registers that tell the user how much change to make out of a dollar.

   If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?

   The motto for the day is....Stupid people should not be allowed to reproduce!!!!!

   Pffft. The liquor store clerk just wished me a Merry Christmas as if he wasn't going to see me 14 more times before then...

   I always know what my childhood friends are doing these days, thanks to the user-friendly county mugshot database.

   How can the largest group seeking tolerance be the most intolerant.............?

   I can't believe that it's almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.

   "If Jesus had a gun, he would be alive today" - Homer Simpson