Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet Beyonce's ex-boyfriend cries himself to sleep every night regretting the day he cheated on her.

   The only thing that can spoil my holiday mood right now would be a direct debit order I completely forgot about.

    If you thought your parents were strict, I was toilet trained at gunpoint.

   Between the blue corn tortilla chips, spinach dip, and salsa....I've been crapp*ng out Christmas colors for the past three days.

   Someone's gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves

   just read that drug sniffing dogs get treats when they find drugs. we're just creating more addicts, you guys

   The only way to have an upper hand over a woman is to be better looking than her.

   Listening to wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing,still you say..."I Agree".....!

    have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell.

   I broke up with my cross eyed boyfriend he was seeing 2 people at once

   I have heartburn so bad that even the Devil would want out

   You have the most beautiful lies I've ever seen

   my liquor store owner will be so happy in about four days

   My new years resolution is to finishing off in women's hair instead of Kleenex...

   miley cyrus decided to go back to work instead of twerk

   You know you're country if you went mistletoe shooting as a kid.

   Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

   Well it's almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!

   Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything

   The only reason I'd yell at you, is to get me another beer.