Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My cat and I vomited together last night. I think I'm some kind of animal whisperer.

   What about female suicide bombers? Do they also get virgins?

   When Kanye West blows out candles on a birthday cake he wishes it was his birthday, instead of whoever's party he's at.

   I only takeSTD test in jail. I like all my bad news atone time

   Holidays are way too commercialized now a days. Please keep in mind the true meaning of Christmas while and your loved ones put up Christmas lights that are currently 75% off at Walmart!!

   My dog ate your Elf on the Shelf.

   Ah, come on! It's Christmas Eve! I could be home right now, drinking this *monster* eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid.

   Twas the morning before Christmas & all across Facebook, friends awake, houses aglitter. Coffee in hand pondering this day & the things that matter.....

   ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ I'm Dreaming Of A White Isthmus ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ .....(Hey what can I say, I have a thing for snow covered narrow strips of land connecting two larger land areas.)

   I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.

   I think premature male baldness should be the next race card..

   The way my kids freak out on Christmas morning, that's the way I feel right before I open my breakfast beer!

   The neighbor kid said "my dad and beat up your dad" and my kid didn't argue the point. FML.

   That age when you drop a coin on the floor and anything smaller than a quarter isn't worth the effort to lean over and pick up.

   I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer.

   Christmas is a race to seewhich gives out first your money or your feet. 

   Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

   I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a "safe & fun work environment" Kathy.

   I bet Mary and Joseph were like "Gee thanks little drummer boy. Cause the one thing every sleep deprived parent wants for their newborn is a drum solo!"

   According to my Nike fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.