Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's only 5:00 PM, but I guess I better start my Christmas shopping. Liquor store, here I come.

   OMG can you hear that? Sarah's having sex!!! lol its so loud, like ridiculous, i'm trying to work here for god's sake :)* (Accidently sent to Sarah* the girl having sex)

   North Korea's fax: USA, We will attack you without warning... p.s. This fax is not a warning... p.s.s. This fax is not indicative of our technology

   I'm surprised the whiny P.C. police haven't protested "A Christmas Story" yet; after all, it's about a boy who wants a gun for Xmas.

   I got shrinkage shopping at Five Below

   I logged all of my ailment symptoms into an online medical site and it has concluded that I died last Tuesday.

   I'm deaming of a white Christmas......but if the white runs out, I'll drink the Red.

   "Women close their eyes during sëx because they can't stand to see" a two-faced man.

   Guran is a copy of Bible and Bible is a copy of another old book.; look at that much plagiarism.

   I. really hate when Grandma gets me underwear for Christmas-they are always. " I Won't Get Caught Dead In Whitey-Tightys!"

   On Christmas my brothers and sisters come over with all their ADHD kids, they all really love my Amphetamine Apple Pie!

   I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm good once as I ever was.

   Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.

   Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I'm still putting butter on them!!

   Christmas sure does smell a lot like weed.

   Well, the people outside are frightful. And the traffic, is far from delightful. (blocking my intersection) since they got no place to go. people blow people blow people blow...

   Some days, you just gotta remind yourself "Stab'em below the waist and it's only assault, NOT attempted murder."

   I’m white but not “I like to watch golf” white.

   Women close their eyes during sëx because they can't stand to see a man having a good time.

   I'm glad that money you didn't know you had can survive the wash and dry cycle