Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My guilty pleasure is feeling guilty over any pleasure I have.

   I stepped right out in front of a smart car just now. I wasn't scared. A collision with my ass would destroy that thing.

   Clean your rooms kids or I'll wear yoga pants when your friends come over. And yes thats a threat.

   Hey Jesus...instead of taking the wheel how about paying for gas every now and then.

   Question ? Do old lesbians try to look like Rod Stewart or does Rod Stewart try to look like an old lesbian?

   My wife just asked me if I have a girlfriend and I was like, "God, that's soooo two days ago."

   A proponent of tolerance should be bullied, harassed and stalked for a hundred times to make them see the light and get a clear understanding of tolerance.

   Remember safety first.... Reach, Throw, Row, Go......Only you can rescue someone who may have stepped off into a pothole!

   Nothing turns a close knit family into a bunch of cage fighters like the question of "Who wants to lick the spoon of cake batter?"... 

   I would watch the movie Lovelace .......but I know it would suck

   Stop saying you have lake front property, that's a freakin' ponding basin.

   I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer....

   Through all the turmoil, tears and tribulations, she has definitely made me a better man. Bitter man, sorry.

   Women: Think of every guy you have ever been friends with. He has jerked off to you. Good talk.

   "Call it a sweatshirt.. Those?,, those are sweatpants.. That one is a sweater.. Gosh, it's hot in here." ... (The guy who named clothes)

   So after a 7hr erection, do I seek out a Doctor or a Porn Studio?

   Revenge is a dish best served on the dance floor.

   Women - your mouth can get you into a lot of trouble, but it can get you out of a hell of a lot more trouble.

   Guys, the secret to a successful marriage is learning to choose your battles knowing you've already lost the war.

   Some symptoms of psychopathic behavior are manipulativeness, pathological lying, lack of empathy and writing 'heeeeeeey' in texts.