Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You had me at, "we'll make it look like an accident."

   My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven't tried yet.

   I take things too literally. My mom sent me to the grocery store, “Get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.” I came home with a dozen loaves of bread, and told her, "They had eggs."

   Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.

   Men who cry about being single, cry even louder after getting married !!

   I show people I love them by not spending time with them. It’s the best thing I can offer.

   A taser, but for when people try to talk about their feelings.

   I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!

   Money is not yours until you spend it.

   If you have to ask someone if you look fat, you do.

   I would prefer a disposable girlfriend over a reusable one.

   Fellas; If she has introduced you to all her friends and enemies, then she is keeping you for a while.

   Some relationships can survive only online.

   Yes he's just the pizza delivery guy. But with a little chloroform & some quality time in the basement I'm positive we'll be best friends.

   Love isn't real until one of you is on meds.

   I smoke because I enjoy the smell of death.

   that face you make when you only have 1 or 2 presents & the other people around you have 10-12 :-/...then while they are still opening theirs you sit around with that f you look

   Basically the way it works is I tell myself I'm not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.

   If John Cusack ever said I did something I didn't do, I'd say "Take it easy, John Accusack!" and then I'd saunter off.

   I wish minimum wage went up as much as the price of postage stamps...