Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear lady in front of me,,, it's a speed bump, not a friggin land mine

   I always hoped my kids wouldn't have to suffer the same things I had to. Then Michael Bolton comes back....

   There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. Unbelievable.

   Nothing shows more Christmas spirit then then Egypt, and Sudan they keep sending each other cars- that blow up! Merry Christmas You Filthy Animal!

   I've been thinking about walking away from everything and becoming an annoying J3W.

   If you are going to stalk me, at least be cute.

   I crammed 3 Christmas' s in 3 States within 2 days! I don't know how Santa does it!!!

   Returned every single Christmas gift today. Even handmade ones from my kids

   Kanye West said he wants to be the 'Obama of clothing.' To achieve his goal, he's probably designing fashions that nobody wants and offering them on a website that doesn't work.

   I'm glad that Christmas is over so I don't have to see that no talent ass clown who became famous and started winning Grammys on Honda commercials anymore!

   Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.

   Writing a new rap song and need a word that rhymes with trigger.

   I'm working on my 2014 New Year's Resolutions List 1. On January 1st, "Express order" workout equipment. 2. January 2nd workout with new equipment 3. January 3rd "Place Ad to sell workout equipment at 1/2 price"

   Maybe Fedex and UPS need some of those delivery drones!

   I don't know about you but I'm that guy who will strike up a conversation with you while waiting in a long line.Tell a joke to all the people standing there to change their day and mine also. I enjoy people..... and life is too short!

   Looking forward to 2014 again..... she was 20 and I was 14. Good times!

   All I wanted for Christmas was to get promoted out of the friend zone.

   My phone changed the word calendar to "cake radar." Now I'm sad that I don't have that

   can anyone tell me why the crimson tide sucks?

   First time I married 4 love. I've learned my lesson. Next time it's all about sex and money, but mostly sex.