Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have to ask someone if you look fat, you do.

   I would prefer a disposable girlfriend over a reusable one.

   Fellas; If she has introduced you to all her friends and enemies, then she is keeping you for a while.

   Some relationships can survive only online.

   Yes he's just the pizza delivery guy. But with a little chloroform & some quality time in the basement I'm positive we'll be best friends.

   Love isn't real until one of you is on meds.

   I smoke because I enjoy the smell of death.

   that face you make when you only have 1 or 2 presents & the other people around you have 10-12 :-/...then while they are still opening theirs you sit around with that f you look

   Basically the way it works is I tell myself I'm not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.

   If John Cusack ever said I did something I didn't do, I'd say "Take it easy, John Accusack!" and then I'd saunter off.

   I wish minimum wage went up as much as the price of postage stamps...

   The only people I trust are the ones that like big butts; they can not lie

   Nobody can MAKE the Yuletide gay. It's not a choice. That's how it was born.

   You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I'm telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours

   We all hold our hand out for help in this life. The goal should be to have your palm down more often than up.

   Merry Drunk I'm Christmas

   Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

   "MERRY CHRITHMITH MY ATH!" ~ The kid in the Christmas song that didn't get her two front teeth.

   To the person who just mass messaged me that heart felt "Merry Christmas" text, I thought you should know everyone says "Thanks". ..All 115 of them.

   Thank you everyone who group text me with Merry Christmas. I just woke up to hundreds of "you too" texts from people I don't know....fml