Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I put women and an abacus in the same category. I can't count on either.

   Bitstrips are like the internet version of Ed Hardy by now.... enough.

   Onions are no longer the only food that can make you tearful. Please add frozen pork roasts that fall out of the freezer onto your toes to the list.

   I was going to post a story about how I used to love drinking gallons and gallons of iced tea in the 80's. Then I realized, no one wants to hear me complain about the freezing temperatures outside..

   Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo

   Robin Roberts announced she's g ay. In a related story, water announced is is wet...

   Marriage isn't so bad, when you're in a coma.

   Sick of people who cannot handle having their beliefs questioned with well reasoned arguments.

   I wonder if Kanye is just over compensating for the fact his mom misspelled "Kenya."

   First woman on Moon: -Huston, we have a problem? What? -Never mind What's the problem? -Nothing Please tell us? -You know what's the problem

   The last time I was this drunk I got married.

   I'm not saying your baby is ugly, I'm just wondering which end the food goes in..

   It's sexy when a woman wears nothing but a long shirt to bed, it's sexier when she doesn't see you watching from the tree outside her window

   Things that don't kill bees: 1: furnutire polish 2: Febreeze 3: butter 4: screeming

   Tip of the Day: Never treat someone like a queen that only treats you like a jester.

   My Siamese twin told me the funniest joke this morning!! I laughed so hard I almost pissed himself!!!!

   You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

   He said: Am I the first one to sleep in your bed? She said: Well...., if you actually fall asleep then yeah.

   I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge

   Ugh. New Year's Eve is just around the corner and I STILL haven't picked out which gang sign I'm going to hold up in photos