Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I call the other side of my bed the Passenger side. It only makes sense.

   She's totally hot, dude! Trust me! - alcohol

   If it wasn't for me, my life would be pretty awesome.

   I am in the best shape of my life! Thanks poverty.

   There’s no relationship problem that a good tickle fight can’t solve.

   I have my own clothing line... it's called naked.

   I support the death penalty, but only for the most heinous and unforgivable crimes like murder, rape or breast reduction surgery.

   I'm so drunk I could watch Fox News.

   Humor is a great way to get a girl into your bed but handcuffs is the best way to keep her there.

   Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.

   May all your troubles last as only long as your New Year resolutions.

   My wife gives great head...ache.

   My New Year's Resolution for 2014: Lift the X Wing out of the swamp with just my mind.

   I love you weirdos. I don't care if you're not accepted by the outside world or your own families.

   Her body is a wonderland but you have to bribe the manager with booze for admission

   Jesus is so important, that the calendar we use, the Gregorian Calendar, is internationally the most widely accepted calendar throughout the world. And it's based on His birth. Not Darwin's.

   "Auld Lang Syne" is too good to save for New Year's — I like to pump that jam in the middle of summer, with the top down

   I'm doing two count downs today. Liquor store to open & New Years! Don't dudge me.

   Alright, stop. Collaborate and drop and listen and roll. Ice is back with a confusing new fire safety video.

   Call me crazy, but I really prefer the term mentally ill