Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've only been in this city 2 nights and already there are 4 bars I can never go back to

   So after being on a non-stop holiday food binge, I mustered the courage to step on my talking bathroom scales this morning. It said "One at a time, please." FML.

   Well, since we can't be younger, let's be stupid.

   I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn't even eat them?

   January is what Monday would look like if it grew up.

   Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

   The only way I know if I've bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger

   If I was blind, I would say "That's something you don't see everyday",,,, To just about every comment.

   I don't know how I didn't get pulled over by the cops last night. I was definitely driving under the influence of a good bl0wj0b.

   Nutella flavoured toothpaste... *steps on stage*... *collects million dollar prize*

   *eats apple while maintaining eye contact with doctor*

   The best part of waking up..... Is Bailey's In My Cup...

   As soon as they start selling cars that drive themselves, I'm getting a booster seat for my cat, and he's gonna chauffeur my arse everywhere.

   Ok it has been 9 hours now...I wonder how many people already messed their New Years resolution up???

   Ok advertisers, for the last time. I’m playing a game I downloaded for free. So, the fact that you chose to advertise here means your product is grossly overpriced…

   I cover up my bathroom noises with high pitched screaming

   I'm such a slacker. It's a brand new year, and I haven't accomplished one d*mn thing.

   The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

   Spring-load me into my coffin. If grave robbers want my gold they have to climb the tree I land in.

   red sky at morning, sailors take warning, sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight