Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May all your troubles last as only long as your New Year resolutions.

   My wife gives great head...ache.

   My New Year's Resolution for 2014: Lift the X Wing out of the swamp with just my mind.

   I love you weirdos. I don't care if you're not accepted by the outside world or your own families.

   Her body is a wonderland but you have to bribe the manager with booze for admission

   Jesus is so important, that the calendar we use, the Gregorian Calendar, is internationally the most widely accepted calendar throughout the world. And it's based on His birth. Not Darwin's.

   "Auld Lang Syne" is too good to save for New Year's — I like to pump that jam in the middle of summer, with the top down

   I'm doing two count downs today. Liquor store to open & New Years! Don't dudge me.

   Alright, stop. Collaborate and drop and listen and roll. Ice is back with a confusing new fire safety video.

   Call me crazy, but I really prefer the term mentally ill

   I put women and an abacus in the same category. I can't count on either.

   Bitstrips are like the internet version of Ed Hardy by now.... enough.

   Onions are no longer the only food that can make you tearful. Please add frozen pork roasts that fall out of the freezer onto your toes to the list.

   I was going to post a story about how I used to love drinking gallons and gallons of iced tea in the 80's. Then I realized, no one wants to hear me complain about the freezing temperatures outside..

   Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo

   Robin Roberts announced she's g ay. In a related story, water announced is is wet...

   Marriage isn't so bad, when you're in a coma.

   Sick of people who cannot handle having their beliefs questioned with well reasoned arguments.

   I wonder if Kanye is just over compensating for the fact his mom misspelled "Kenya."

   First woman on Moon: -Huston, we have a problem? What? -Never mind What's the problem? -Nothing Please tell us? -You know what's the problem