Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do my son's socks cost more than my pants?

   i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, you collect it” so I wrote to the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”

   My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white man who looked nothing like me. So I totally get it now. Oh wait that's not my waiter.

   Sorry I set up a smoke machine and played The Undertaker's theme song at your grandmother's funeral.

   Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.

   I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts "Batman" when he's drunk. I know I do.

   Jeopardy: The answer is: These are the combined result of a yeast infection and itchy S.T.D. beep beep..."What are crab cakes?"

   I'm not h0m0ph0bic, I love my house!

   I would love to send so many people on One-way trip to Mars.

   Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.

   Does anyone know when is the Cut-Off date to STOP wishing someone Happy New Years??

   I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.

   Welcome to camouflage club. I can see clearly that we have a big turnout this week, which is very disappointing.

   So far so good. haven't heard anyone use the word SWAG this year.

   Hey we snowed in today, break out the corny jokees

   Horton hears much better after his visit to the otolaryngologist,,, Though he could have done without the "big ears" comment.

   Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

   It's been 25 years and they still aren't sure who framed Roger Rabbit. My alibi is Airtight!

   Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.

   Just drove by an Asian restaurant - Wok n' Roll - well played Chinese people. So crever