Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saw a huge and very intricate spider web downstairs, but I didn't see the spider...and if I can't locate this spider to take care of it I might actually be able to stay up to watch the ball drop tonight.

   I'm a connoisseur of bad decisions.

   20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area

   I wish I loved anything as much as New Yorkers love to tell you they're from New York.

   Dear Liver: The holidays are almost over. Come on you can do this!

   Goals for 2014: 1) 2) 3) 4) Don't die

   Till - when we get bored with each other and what used to be cute now makes us feel homicidal rage - do us part

   Don't forget: it's very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.

   When I said I was good in the kitchen, I assumed you meant being bent over the dishwasher.

   I call the other side of my bed the Passenger side. It only makes sense.

   She's totally hot, dude! Trust me! - alcohol

   If it wasn't for me, my life would be pretty awesome.

   I am in the best shape of my life! Thanks poverty.

   There’s no relationship problem that a good tickle fight can’t solve.

   I have my own clothing line... it's called naked.

   I support the death penalty, but only for the most heinous and unforgivable crimes like murder, rape or breast reduction surgery.

   I'm so drunk I could watch Fox News.

   Humor is a great way to get a girl into your bed but handcuffs is the best way to keep her there.

   Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.

   May all your troubles last as only long as your New Year resolutions.