Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best part of waking up..... Is Bailey's In My Cup...

   As soon as they start selling cars that drive themselves, I'm getting a booster seat for my cat, and he's gonna chauffeur my arse everywhere.

   Ok it has been 9 hours now...I wonder how many people already messed their New Years resolution up???

   Ok advertisers, for the last time. I’m playing a game I downloaded for free. So, the fact that you chose to advertise here means your product is grossly overpriced…

   I cover up my bathroom noises with high pitched screaming

   I'm such a slacker. It's a brand new year, and I haven't accomplished one d*mn thing.

   The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

   Spring-load me into my coffin. If grave robbers want my gold they have to climb the tree I land in.

   red sky at morning, sailors take warning, sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight

   I spend 90% of my salary on my hobbies. The rest I waste.

   Lets Do The 2014 New Years Hump Today!

   With everyone off work on this first day of the New Year good reason to stay in bed and enjoy your New Years Hump Day!

   First date tip: to add an air of mystery, whisper "she suspects nothing" into your wristwatch

   I went to a pool party in 1998 with the time listed as 5-? on the invitation. I'm still here. Wrap it up guys there's so much I haven't done

   One of my biggest fears is meeting Bono from U2 and saying "I'm a huge fan, Bobo."

   i do not like green eggs&ham I do not like them will.i.am woud you eat them in my trunk woud you eat them off my hump my hump my humps

   a pessimist sees the glass half empty. a possumist sees the glass as a giant possum. sometimes jokes don't make much sense.

   What's a pirate's fave letter of the alphabet? Trick question. They are illiterate savages whose purposes are ill-served by the written word

   FYI: THIS IS THE FURTHEST IN HISTORY ANYONE'S EVER GONE!!!

   I am not the kind of guy to offer to buy a girl some drinks at the bar, I am the kind to offer to buy her some decent clothes.