Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I haven't given up hope yet. I still have a Powerball ticket at home that I haven't checked.

   Gonna steal a bus and get these kids back to school if it's the LAST thing I do!!!

   I'm pro-choice on every social issue...Simply because it is none of my business how others choose to live their lives. We're only responsible on decisions we make.

   I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.

   One of the bigger mistake men make is thinking they have to understand what they're apologizing for.

   Miley Cyrus is already 41 in trailer park years

   Apparently “bae” means “before anyone else.” I always thought it was an extremely ghetto word for “babe”...

   "Kim you're a pretty bride and all, but Beyonce would look better... " (The fear of hearing this is why Beyonce just turned down Kim Kardashian's request that she'd be one of the bridesmaids)

   People talking without speaking, People hearing without listening" Did Simon and Garfunkel predict the internet??

   My liver is so black it goes to church on Sunday for 6 hours.

   The more complicated the coffee order the more complicated the person.

   You think you know someone and then one day you visit them and find out they put bread in their fridge :(

   The person who invented foldable steel chairs probably starts to cry then shouts “TURN IT OFF!” every time wrestling comes on TV.

   Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need somewhere else to hang my clothes.

   I blame my farts on the dog so regularly that now every time I let one rip, she slinks away in shame.

   Based on how I react when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

   We need to start naming hurricanes after rappers. People might evacuate quicker if they know hurricane Ghostface Killah is coming.

   I'm just a regular guy, I boil my spaghetti one noodle at a time.

   It's so cold you'd rather listen to Bieber than walk outside

   It's so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball