Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to be passive aggressive but now I'm aggressively passive. Don't mess with me, idiot. I'll sit right here. I'll f*cking forgive you.

   I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I'm gone.

   I'm at my most savage when I'm solo love making to the lion king soundtrack.

   Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It's been two weeks since my last confession. Smell my finger.

   No you may not "Axe" me a question... I don't speak Walmart!

   With my luck that Southwest plane would have landed in rebel terrorist controlled Syria!

   "Look, this is just a big misunderstanding. I told my aides to block access to "the FRIDGE", not "the BRIDGE."

   Someone tried to steal my identity. However, after reviewing my bank accounts and credit information, they felt sorry for me and offered me theirs.

   You can grab my ass and my hair but don't EVER grab my arm and tell me to listen...

   The most photographed red carpet in Hollywood is still Lindsay's.

   Give a white girl a fish and she'll freak out because fish are gross. Teach a white girl to fish and she'll be like "but I want Starbucks"

   All cursive neck tattoos should just say ‘child support.

   my wife gets all excited when Colonel Angus comes over

   Relationship status: everything sounds like "marry me" through duct tape

   Stupid Question: Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?

   Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.

   Looks like Southwest Airlines needs to install a GPS Tomtom in the planes so their pilots don't get lost.

   Come one Southwest Airlines...either train your pilots how to navigate a plane well enough to land at the right airport or allow the pilot's wife to ride along so she can make sure he doesn't land a jumbo jet at a small county airport.

   Why is that every time I visit someone, I have to take a dump, and their bathroom is right there near where everyone is sitting and I'm about to expel what will sound like a 21 gun salute at Niagara Falls.

   When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.