Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.

   People without profile pictures are terrorists.

   Fellas; A girl without a hobby is a girl who will make a hobby of destroying your life.

   I knew our relationship was destined for failure when I couldn't fit her in my trunk

   You call it the love of your life, I call it a bottle of liquor.

   I told a woman she looked fat in those jeans once, so yeah you could say I know a thing or two about what's it's like to live on the edge.

   Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat ...Then I remember they just feed off attention.

   Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.

   You can make my whole day just by not being part of it ..

   I get it Chris Christie. Last time I puked on the carpet I blamed my cats.

   It's that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions...... * Ummm, Kids,, I meant my kids

   Anyone that starts a sentenct with "Not to brag but" is about to brag.

   Being 100% Italian affords me the luxury of possessing the knowledge to stay away from Italian women.

   In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.

   Ugh! Left my purse in the car and now I have to deal with the Polar Kotex!

   I'm shocked that Chris Christie would be involved in the blocking of a major artery.

   I'm taking my girl to a Psychologist/Gynecologist. Maybe he's the one who can finally help her understand why she's such a ¢unt.

   I have no time for stupid people But they sure do have time for me.

   I can make your day better just by not being part of it

   I was talking to this girl and she said she was looking for a nice guy,i guess all the a**holes are taken