Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep your friends close, and a bottle of vodka closer!

   You may not Axe me a question, Go Axe a tree!!!

   It astonishes me that some people say we are all unique and different yet they believe in horoscopes.

   Haven't heard anything about Bigfoot in awhile. I hope he's okay

   I used to be passive aggressive but now I'm aggressively passive. Don't mess with me, idiot. I'll sit right here. I'll f*cking forgive you.

   I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I'm gone.

   I'm at my most savage when I'm solo love making to the lion king soundtrack.

   Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It's been two weeks since my last confession. Smell my finger.

   No you may not "Axe" me a question... I don't speak Walmart!

   With my luck that Southwest plane would have landed in rebel terrorist controlled Syria!

   "Look, this is just a big misunderstanding. I told my aides to block access to "the FRIDGE", not "the BRIDGE."

   Someone tried to steal my identity. However, after reviewing my bank accounts and credit information, they felt sorry for me and offered me theirs.

   You can grab my ass and my hair but don't EVER grab my arm and tell me to listen...

   The most photographed red carpet in Hollywood is still Lindsay's.

   Give a white girl a fish and she'll freak out because fish are gross. Teach a white girl to fish and she'll be like "but I want Starbucks"

   All cursive neck tattoos should just say ‘child support.

   my wife gets all excited when Colonel Angus comes over

   Relationship status: everything sounds like "marry me" through duct tape

   Stupid Question: Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?

   Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.