Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never get nervous or embarrassed. That's just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.

   Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!

   Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.

   I'd say we're only a year or so away from somebody getting murdered for denying access to a phone charger.

   I wonder what it’s like to sleep with a woman who has standards.

   A restraining order is kinda like a love note right?

   when Justin Beiber gets killed it wont be a tragedy but natural selection at its finest.

   Gay or straight doesn't matter. What matters here is funny jokes! Come on people, my facebook friends are starting to think I've run out of funny sayings.

   I am not joking who ever pissed off mother nature Stop!

   Lord of the ring should be a club for married men

   I get angry when I think about how much time I spent learning to write cursive.

   A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that

   For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.

   BREAKING NEWS: POST OFFICE RAISES 1ST CLASS STAMPS FROM 46 CENTS TO 49 CENTS: Really???.... couldn't you just say 50 cents and save 2 slots in your cash drawer and millions of hours counting change??

   I told my dog that if he keeps waking me up, I'm throwing my alarm clock away, sitting him on my night stand, and sticking a battery up his butt.

   Police reports released this morning state that Justin Bieber's blood contained traces of alcohol, pot and Flintstones Chewable's..

   Dear Justin Bieber, Just because you have money...doesn't mean that you're mature. Grow up, smarten up, or shut the hell up! Thanks, People

   jUSTIN BIEBER..........Really, 60 miles an hour? But to be fair, Bieber was in Florida. Anything over 20 miles an hour is considered drag racing.

   Fun ways to hurt yourself: 1. Throwing yourself down stairs, 2. Punching yourself in the face, 3. Talking to your ex.

   Children are just little a$$holes waiting to grow up to be bigger a$$holes.