Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate cyclists. You're driving along enjoying life then BAM! you're stuck driving 10mph behind some jerk with way nicer calves than you

   when I bath I turn off all the lights and pretend I'm still in the womb, then I jump out turn on the lights and start crying....

   saw a magician driving today,first time I looked he was the only one driving,when I looked again a women suddenly appeared in the passenger seat

   It's not all bad for Tom Brady. At least he won't have to listen to Bruno Mars.

   The Weed Bowl is On!

   "Oooga Booga Ooga Booga" Richard Sherman

   Kaepernick wish he had them Dre beats noise cancelation head phones to cancel the noise from Seatle fans right about now!

   At this stage of the football season, all I care about is #s and food.

   "What the h*ll is wrong with you, if I wanted a loser I would have married Tony Romo" ~ Giselle to Tom probably

   The Patriots defensive coverage today is almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.

   Seattle vs Denver..Washington St vs Colorado...marijuana SuperBOWL..

   This game is making me hungry for Omaha steaks

   Peyton Manning's forehead is large enough to show an Imax movie.

   I am glad to say that even after all these years. I still follow Bell Biv Devoe's advice on not trusting a big butt and a smile

   Obama said he wouldn't let his son play football bc he fears it would cause dementia. Someone should tell Obama that he doesn't have a son.

   Girls are unique,,, they want you to know how they feel but they don't want to tell you

   Give a man a fish and he'll ask you why you are trying to buy a box of donuts with a fish.

   Girl stop spilling your crazy all over me!

   I used to have an attitude problem. I broke up with her about a year ago.

   Your tongue is the best alarm clock.