Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If on Superbowl Sunday, The Broncos win,, I'll shave my chest hair and glue it to the top of my head,,, If they don't, I'll wait till the day after.

   Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

   You’re like a thief tryna avoid setting off the motion lasers in a museum when you want to leave bed after a cuddle without waking her up

   It's funny the only two states that legalized pot are sending their teams to the Super Bowl...I bet you won't be able to find a bag of Funyuns in the entire state of New Jersey.

   Heard Dominos is coming out with a pizza in honour of Tom Brady...one half of its covered and its called the "incomplete"...

   What do the Smurfs and a Tiffany's diamond have in common? They both come in a little blue box.

   Western quasi-liberal obsession with 'political correctness' is sick and disgusting almost as h0m0phobia itself.

   The Patriots defensive scheme worked almost as well as the Obamacare website.

   In honor of MLK: I'm going to wash my whites and colors together today.....

   Instead of, "Who won?" The most frequently asked question at Super Bowl 48 will be, "Hey, are you gonna eat the rest of those nachos?"

   Superbowl 48, 2 teams from the only 2 states 2 have legalized pot, I'm guessing tht their "secret" of success is a bowl of "weedies" every morn 4 breakfast

   I can't wait for the SmokeABowl!

   Super Bowl 48. Two teams from the only two states to have legalized pot. I can't guarantee who'll win, but I can guarantee that Frito-Lay is gonna make more $ than the NFL on this one.

   Sherman...eat a snickers

   Been throwing up gang signs at my mom all morning. Now she won't make me lunch.

   Washington and Colorado legalize marijuana, Seattle and Denver advance to the Super Bowl. Coincidence? I think pot!

   If you think the Harbaugh or Manning brothers are competitive, wait until you meet two friends of mine, named Niles and Frasier Crane.

   Bong Bowl is on! Just don't drink the water

   Did you hear that? Busta Rhymes is the best corner in the game. Don't you dare put him up against Crabtree.

   My dog acts like every leaf blowing in the wind outside our door is going to murder his entire family. It's like, grow up