Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just deleted my bookmark to this horrible sh*thole. I am sure there are funnier places somewhere else on the net.

   My Facebook movie is okay, but the book was better.

   I really need to stop checking every five mins to see if my Facebook movie is on Rotten Tomatos yet.

   Your forehead is so big I bet when you dream, you dream movies.

   You should be able to pick a theme for your Facebook movie... Because some of you should need to pick drama...

   Everybody! Fast! I need to see your Facebook film! Please share with me!

   Just watched my "Facebook movie" and realized that Facebook has no clue who I am.

   Sitting here watching the "Biggest Loser" season finale... uh, thought I would see the Broncos....

   I saw a guy wearing a "World's Greatest Dad" shirt, so I killed him and took it. There can be only one.

   When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.

   It's amazing how many pedestrians confuse "right of way" with "immortality".

   My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.

   I bet Snowmen think it's weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.

   It's hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food and beer

   I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.

   Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might actually just be thirsty. So have a few beers first and then see how you feel.

   On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.

   Tired of forgetting people's names as soon as they introduce themselves? Fix it by staying home and never meeting anyone new.

   Googling your symptoms when you don't feel well is the most efficient way to convince yourself that you're dying

   Most people don't know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds