Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a real down-to-earth kind of guy. Because, you know, gravity.

   my Facebook fans are waiting on a funny.... Come on people get with it.

   I spent so many years being wrong and not knowing it. Thankfully I got married so now I am fully aware that I have never, ever been right.

   Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that sh*t quick.

   Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn't hear you the first 100 times.

   Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as "really nice" people. Who else is a "really nice" neighbor? Canada. I'm just sayin'

   Coke Zero is the only soft drink named after the number of times I've tried it

   I swear some women are more psyched about GETTING married than BEING married

   When I was young I was taught to fear and hate the devil. Now that I'm older and know better, I'd like to get high and have a beer with him.

   In spite of world wide outrage, I'd bet if Copenhagen Zoo sold tickets and pay per view the next time they feed a giraffe to a lion, it will be their biggest sell out event of all time.

   I enjoy long romantic walks to my liquor cabinet.

   Today was a bad day, first my ex was ran over by a bus, then I was fired from my job as a bus driver...

   Just because you call your kid an angel doesn't mean he is one. Lucifer was an angel too.

   If anyone asks, I'm drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

   McDonalds sponsoring the Olympics is akin to Trojan sponsoring Vatican events.

   I just hope my stalker doesn't tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.

   Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, but now my boss is coming back from Costa Rica a day early.

   I don't wanna brag but I'm getting pretty good at boiling water.

   I'll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That's what this paper says.

   When someone say's.. Living the american dream. I picture... Them with a large pizza, on their lap. While dipping fries into a frosty.