Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When God closes a door, I open a beer.

   It's that time of the night again where I pick one of you lucky ladies selfies to jerk off to before I cry myself to sleep..

   I can't believe I used to talk to people.

   My salvation can be found in vodka, and very good weed.

   Stop acknowledging the retard's presence. Ignore his existence.

   The retards back!

   No I don't look at ANY of my exs and ask myself "what was I thinking?" Or "was I drunk the whole time" I know exactly what I was thinking and doing.

   Guy, EVERYONE. Listen. I'm going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.

   Nestle to recall Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets because they may contain meat that was already recalled by the Department of Agraculture. Most surprisingly, however, is that Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets may actually contain meat.

   Olympic athletic bring stray puppies back from Sochi... like we dont have enough here in the US...

   The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

   Possessio...is 9/10 of the spelling

   ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ HE'S GOT BOBBY COSTAS EYES ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫

   If you were at a Beatles tribute concert and you fell and hurt yourself, what would you yell?

   Lead me not into temptation. I can find it on my own.

   Scientists discovered that an object does not really become smaller when the distance to the beholder increases.

   Sig Sauer is a better gun than Smith & Wesson!

   Everyone keeps complaining about the extreme cold weather, do you know what it does to the bugs that torment you in the summer?

   My wife says I'm a clueless idiot. I didn't even know I had a wife.

   A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.