Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Feed the homless to the hungry and burn the elderly as an alternative fuel source.

   McDonald’s in a Walmart is like serving alcohol at an AA meeting.

   So red or white wine with hamburger helper?

   Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”

   Writers block I can deal

   Oh boy, we're so poor that our best enjoyable memory is someone's farting.

   Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can't mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.

   My last girlfriend wanted more excitement in our relationship so I gave her a couple of opportunities to escape the basement.

   There is a person out there for everyone. Your person just happens to be three cats.

   My kid's new teacher asked me to describe his personality so I just videotaped me crying and taking shots of Vodka.

   When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

   Can someone's face be a pet peeve?

   My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614

   Girls spend 20 minutes eating dinner and 40 figuring out who owes what.

   I could be an Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it."

   It sucks when you wanna throw a brick at someone's face, but you can't, because you don't have a brick.

   Stop being retarded losers leave haha alone, I think hes funny!!

   D*ck Head is Back , Great time to take few days off till someone blocks him again.

   Shout out to the guy in drive thru who went against the man, and gave me THREE packets of Ketchup for my large fries.

   Just realized that with all this ice lately, technically I'm walking on water too, so take that Jesus!