Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks. And now we wait....

   The only time you will see Ameriscans bow heads....is when the CANADIAN national anthem is playing!

   Sorry to the USA womens hockey team...SO sorry for being so awesome!

   You have a better chance of falling out of an airplane, landing on a trampoline, bouncing back up in the sky and getting hit by the same airplane than you do of winning the lottery, yet people continue to plunk down paycheck after paycheck…

   The women's USA Olympic hockey team pucked up.

   I'm the only person in the world that gets the flu and gains 10 lbs...

   I'm not lazy, I'm just laying like this until planking makes a comeback.

   If she hesitates when you ask her to 'hide this in your panties' then she's not the one.

   I went to a store today that doesn't accept debit cards; only cash or personal check. I asked if I bring a chicken and basket of vegetables, can we barter next time. I don't think the young cashier got the joke.

   Does anyone else ever feel like life is a relay race and your paycheck is the baton?

   It seems like Mark Zuckerberg is playing real life Monopoly. He owns FB, Instagram now WhatsApp...what's next, Twitter?

   Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp...Is Mark Zuckerberg trying to put together The Infinity Gauntlet of Social Media ?

   Wow! That dude just paid his bill with swag, Said no one ever

   Mark Zuckerburg owns Instagram, Facebook and Whatsapp. All he needs now is Twitter then he owns all of our little secrets.

   19 billions for whatsapp?! I bought it for $0.99 USD ... I guess the buying department has some justification to do

   I just want a man who will hold my hair back while I start fires.

   I'm not a professional pilot, but I can wear a pair of aviator glasses and helicopter my wiener in the front yard for like 3 hours straight! :-D

   Tis' far better to have lobsters on your piano,than crabs on your organ.

   Going in Build-A-Bear shirtless wasn't creepy until I started holding up unstuffed animals asking the cashier which ones match my eyes

   A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar