Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Auto correct can go straight to He'll. I sound like a ducking idiot....thanks auto correct

   If you take all the veins out of a person and lay them end to end that person will die...

   I've fallen! And I can't reach my coffee!

   Here's to all the presidents who have died and to those who we wish would.

   Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo

   So today I said to a co-worker "Happy Presidents Day!" She replied did you wear anything Presidential today Gary ? Then this came out of my mouth ..." Yep ...my underwear... There's a star in the front and a stripe in the back !"

   i don't get why people find drunk texts annoying, you're the person they're thinking of when their brain can't even function properly

   Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don't know how to play chess.

   "How does a person go about celebrating President's Day Dad?" asked my son "well there's roughly two ways to celebrate it" I explained. "you can talk about past presidents or you can go buy a new mattress"

   It was probably just a goat with one horn missing that just happened to fly because unicorns aren't real.

   I'm glad I have work today. Who wants to celebrate Presidents' Day with this dude in office? In any case, happy bday month to George and Abe. You guys were pretty awesome.

   Tossing back a drink for all of the presidents who died...so that we could have a day off work. Salute!

   如果政府不看它的消费，我们将讲中国话 if the government does not watch its spending we will be speaking Chinese

   Sorry I mispronounced your baby's name you made up.

   I'm fluent in French, but only during sex or when I stub my toe.

   Sorry I put Vaseline on your windshield wipers.

   The voices in my head asked about you.

   I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN My tombstone.

   I've lived with demons. I can handle you.

   Aren't you too fat to be this rude?