Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe you thought it was black ice because you are stupid?

   I slipped and fell on some black ice this morning.. at least I think it was black ice cause my wallet is missing.

   I bet the most common dying wish is to live longer

   Why is it "romantic" when Aladdin sings A Whole New World while flying on a carpet but "pathetic" when I sing it while laying on a bath mat?

   Last night's Taco Bell finally "left the building." It smelled like a sombrero wearing donkey crawled up my a$$ and died.

   Fun Fact Ladies: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.

   I always wrap someone's fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock

   HEADLINE: Miley Cyrus stuffs fan's thong in her mouth.

   Some people have obsession with destruction.

   Silence is the best response to a fool.

   Man I love watching women's curling in the Olympics. It's the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.

   thats the last time I buy Sushi from the dollar store!

   Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…

   Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...

   Next time I see a car with like, 90 stick children on it, I am taping a condom to the window.

   So this 19 year old Miranda chick on Craigslist says she's interested in me!!

   Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin' strips. Let's see if the customers notice.

   In honor of Presidents Day, I'm making HUGE promises to everyone that I have no intention of keeping...

   Secretly replaced the back

   Jack-in-the Box's always freaked me out. Some scary clown popping out. Shouldn't it have been a weasel?