Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a person out there for everyone. Your person just happens to be three cats.

   My kid's new teacher asked me to describe his personality so I just videotaped me crying and taking shots of Vodka.

   When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

   Can someone's face be a pet peeve?

   My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614

   Girls spend 20 minutes eating dinner and 40 figuring out who owes what.

   I could be an Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it."

   It sucks when you wanna throw a brick at someone's face, but you can't, because you don't have a brick.

   Stop being retarded losers leave haha alone, I think hes funny!!

   D*ck Head is Back , Great time to take few days off till someone blocks him again.

   Shout out to the guy in drive thru who went against the man, and gave me THREE packets of Ketchup for my large fries.

   Just realized that with all this ice lately, technically I'm walking on water too, so take that Jesus!

   When God closes a door, I open a beer.

   It's that time of the night again where I pick one of you lucky ladies selfies to jerk off to before I cry myself to sleep..

   I can't believe I used to talk to people.

   My salvation can be found in vodka, and very good weed.

   Stop acknowledging the retard's presence. Ignore his existence.

   The retards back!

   No I don't look at ANY of my exs and ask myself "what was I thinking?" Or "was I drunk the whole time" I know exactly what I was thinking and doing.

   Guy, EVERYONE. Listen. I'm going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.