Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet at least half the guys who get struck by lightning's last thoughts were, "Holy Crap, am I a Highlander?"

   I would love to put out a comic labeled "For Mature Readers" that is just a heartfelt meditation on aging and mortality.

   Vacation to Hawaii? Meh. Paris? No thanks. Venice? I'll pass. Back in time to being 7 years old on a Saturday? YES, PLEASE!!

   "No fair! You cleaned the bathrooms last time! It's my turn!" said no one ever

   I crossbred a squirrel with a spider. It craws up your leg and eats your nuts.

   I like my coffee how I like myself. Dark, bitter, and too hot for you.

   I wonder if the lady that takes your drivers license picture at the DMV takes selfies when no one is watching...

   Robin Thicke and Paula Patton are getting a divorce. I guess what rhymes with hug me is alimony

   That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever

   Xbox has been my girlfriend for awhile, I think it's time we see other people...

   Oh Canada...Our Bars open at 6 AM!!!!

   Technically, there is a lot of food in this house. However, none of it is sweet or microwavable. There isn't food in the house.

   I love You Tube. You can look up everthing. It's Google the Movie musical

   Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.

   Some woman just sent this to me: XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO' I was confused by the apostrophe, but then it dawned on me. It must mean she's possessive.

   Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren't in our best interest?

   I've started this new bacon free diet today. So if the bacon is free, I'll eat it

   I'm "talking in your voicemail as if you could hear it like an answering machine" years old.

   I wish that Toyota girl would go places.

   Brooklyn signs openly gay Collins to NBA contract. Maybe he'll play in Fish(Nets)!