Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You lost me at "Sir, we need your social security number to run a credit check"

   "Honesty is still the best policy, but with a little bit of common sense"...

   Remember, Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday...!!!!

   Beer is good but beers are better.

   I was excited about spending some time on my treadmill this morning, but I don't know where I put my roller-blades. ugh.

   When people hurt you, think of them like a sand paper. They may scratch and hurt you but in the end, you end up polished & they end up useless.

   That funny moment when you are checking yourself out in the window of another car and realize there’s someone inside.

   I love those people who can make me laugh during those moments when I feel like I can’t even smile.

   Facebook bought Whats up for 19 billion dollars ... Mr.Zuckerberg, you could have downloaded it for freee !!

   If the zombie apocalypse ever happens I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills... I should be fine.

   Let's start a charity where we give cats to people who say goodnight to social networking sites.

   You can save alot more than 15% on your car insurance, simply by pulling in to reverse and fleeing the scene.

   Think I'll move to Russia, it will save me shipping and handing on mail order Russian bride. . .

   go to google translate select language German to German and paste this pv zk pv pv zk pv zk kz zk pv pv pv zk pv zk zk pzk pzk pvzkpkzvpvzk kkkkkk bsch select the audio translation....

   I would rather be known in life as a honest sinner than as a lying hypocrite.

   @ 300 X 365 that is 109,500 a year. I am determined to get one million people on my block list. That will take me 10 years. Now hiring. . .

   I'm not ignoring you any more or less than you're ignoring me. . .

   I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

   Please stop calling me a "cracker." The correct term in "Saltine-American."

   Back in my day, Recess was where they sent us out to a rusty death trap circus,, and now people can't eat gluten.