Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Calm down R&B singers nearing the end of your songs

   If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you wagging its tail, you're in love with a dog & it probably just had to sh*t.

   IDEA: pizza that comes in a box made of ice cream cone material so you can eat the box too.

   Warm weather brings all the crackheads out.

   Ladies, it’s easy to change a man. Just nag him constantly. Then you can watch him change from happy to bitter before your eyes.

   My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

   Today is the 25th birthday of the World Wide Web. What the hell did people do 26 years ago??

   My wife says it doesn’t count as sex if I don’t last longer than 30 seconds. So apparently I’m still a virgin in her books.

   i wonder how people describe me when they’re talking about me to someone who’s never met me

   My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”

   The hardest part about making friends is definitely the swimsuit competition.

   2 years ago the creator of redbull died, to this day his eyes are still open.

   Kim Kardashian in a fender bender REAR ENDER!! obviously nobody hurt!! Air bag went off but then again Kanye always does!

   I went to the bookstore and ask the sales woman "Where is the self help section" she said if she told me it would defet the purpose

   I manage my anger as long as you manage your stupidity and don't bother me with it.

   spilled an energy drink on the floor and my two chihuahuas licked it up before I could clean it... they are now both doing push ups

   Once upon a time a Prince asked a Princess to marry him. She said no. So the Prince got to buy trucks and boats, date big breasted girls, go hunting an

   If I were funny I'd be on tv. But I'm on Facebook instead... talk about a let down.

   Due to solar radiation the American flag planted on the moon is now faded completely to white. Great, now it looks like the French landed there...

   I'm a s confused as an Octopus taking a Rorschach test