Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   for Lent I'm giving up relationships...oh, nevermind, they gave up on me already

   Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive,but you will need the ability to type with thumbs... The future is weird.

   Divorce changes you... For instance, it makes you single......... * Inspirational post

   A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he'd couldn't whine on FB.

   a free button called Block/Unfriend and Delete.... trust me those things can work miracles when it comes to dealing with drama on Fb

   The only time I've ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.

   If they've seen you dance in public and still hangout with you then consider them good friends.

   There's something about the way you could ruin my entire life that makes me want you. - WOMEN

   What? No toilet paper. Well, goodbye socks.

   I think you know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.

   Failure is not an option. It's standard equipment.

   10 yr old suspended from school for pointing finger like a gun. Where will this end? If fingers are outlawed, only 10 yr olds will have fingers.

   My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today

   Just broke up a fight between my wife and a car seat.

   Hey Social media newbies, remember if you try really hard and excel at this, in a couple years, you too can turn it into a source of no income.

   Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it's the stupid people who need it?

   Bacon n Eggs walk into a bar, bartender says, Sorry, we dont serve breakfast here...

   DunkinHackin (v):The act of choking on the powdery goodness of a powdered Dunkin Donut

   A word to the wise. A paragraph to the smart. A long-form essay to the oblivious. A silent, meaningful gesture to the enlightened.

   Kanye West they should have vacuum sealed you, you would have lasted longer