Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life's not always.. 'Fun and games' Sometimes it's too much whiskey annnd... Oops.. Wrong hole!

   You lost me at, ‘We need to talk’.

   The one thing they never warn you about, but really should.. is that when you get older, cramp during masturbation is a very real danger.

   Women should come equipped with traffic lights. That way guys would know when to stop, when to proceed with caution, and when to go hard.

   If they feel the need to point out your flaws, THEY might be your biggest one.

   Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because NO ONE IS HITTING SNOOZE WHEN THEY HEAR THAT

   The earth was made from God's recipe so its only fair that he takes responsibility for everything that is wrong with it. Blame the chef.

   Does anyone know what these big patches of greenish shaggy stuff all over the ground is??? CREEPY!

   Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.

   I'm not sure where Crimea is, but I assume it's somewhere near Detroit.

   Has FOX News blamed Obama for the missing Malaysian flight yet?

   Arrested again? Let me search old Chris Brown jokes to insert here....

   "911, what's your emergency?"... "Hi. Long time listener, first time caller."... "That's really funny."... "Thank you. Anyways, I'm being stabbed."

   Magic Johnson only bought the LA Sparks so his son can play on the team

   Bike Week...or as it's also known: White Trash On Wheels Week

   It's kinda embarrassing that Nostradamus predicted we’d only have 5 Doritos flavors by 2014.. When we actually have like 15

   I have an eating disorder, where I eat dis order,,, and dat order,,, and dis other order on the next table.

   What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle? Wipe it off and apologize.

   My boss told me "Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," "Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him. "Really?" he asked. "No," I said.

   Amazon says that by 2015 they can make deliveries using drones, your move Jimmy Johns