Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there ever is a Zombie Apocalypse I am heading straight for Costco ..they have Walls, Food and Supplies for Years and best of all... Zombies can't get in without a Costco Membership Card.

   In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

   I've given up trying to kill you for lent, enjoy your life for the next 38 days.

   a friend's kid accidentally stuck their cat in the dryer. my friend was all sad about it so I sung the sad song....soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.....the song didn't help at all

   wow I love how your face is 5 shades darker than your neck

   I'm seriously going to become a marriage councelor and whenever couples come to me, my therapy would be making them both browse through a dating website for 30 minutes.

   what did Micahel Jackson Love about twenty five year olds........there was 20 of em

   Hi, I'm the new Milkman,,,,,,,Would you like it in the front or back?

   I assume people that unfollow/unfriend/delete/block me must have found Jesus.

   I'd be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.

   Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.

   When someone throws a drink in my face I just open my mouth so we both win.

   Girls have their phone nonstop. So if they don't text you back within 30 minutes, she ain't feeling you bro.

   Why do girls associate their selfies with a deep yet irrelevant quote, I do not understand the correlation.

   Watched girls gone wild last night...okay it was store security video during black Friday but still...

   I'll be glad when the people on the funny side of the world wake up

   They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

   I felt sad for this poor guy dressed as The Statue of Liberty in front of Liberty Tax Service...At least he doesn't have it as bad as the Lil' Caesars Pizza Girl. She has to stand there on the roadside holding a sign that says "HOT AND READY 5 DOLLARS!"

   I think it's cute how they call those little wimpy squeeze balls "Stress Balls". Because everyone knows if it were truly a "Stress Ball" it would made of solid concrete or cast metal. (So you could throw it at whatever stresses you out)

   Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks back and change batteries in smoke alarms.